July 4, 2021,
Is your fate, your fate?
It can be if you are of the belief you have no control over your destiny. A belief that other forces control your future apart from you.
If you are born into poverty, do have to stay there? If you feel you are physically unattractive, do you have to remain that way? If you feel alone and unloved, must your life reflect that?
Most of us would probably say “no” to all of the above questions, but sometimes easier said than done.
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Another true life personal story for you.
We have an associate who stayed at a job that he absolutely hated for over 20 years. In his mind, he was trapped because he had responsibilities to his religion and family. Eventually he reached an age where he felt he was further trapped because of his age.
He wanted to leave but felt he couldn’t.
More importantly, he never tried to leave.
Then the layoffs came and once he was on unemployment, for the first time he felt free that he would never have to go back to that job again.
He remembers walking with his wife down a busy street in San Francisco towards a luxury hotel and it really hit him. He was finally free from that horrible job. The worst part?
It wasn’t due to his efforts.
Was he trapped or did he feel so helpless to change his fate that he trapped himself?
Two films come to mind where the hero and heroine face the same question.
Are they trapped by fate or have they allowed their current fate to permanently trap them?
Kontroll is a 2003 Hungarian thriller.
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Shown internationally, mainly in art house theatres, the film is set on a fictionalized version of the Budapest Metro system. "Kontroll" in Hungarian refers to the act of ticket inspectors checking to ensure a rider has paid their fare. The story revolves around the ticket inspectors, riders, and a possible killer.
The hero is one of the head ticket takers and what struck us most about the film was how all of it took place underground at the station. He ate, slept and literally lived in that underground world, which for the most part was not good for him.
Why didn’t he leave?
It was as though he couldn’t.
Until the very end. He finally did. Was it possible he could have left all along?
The Woman in the Window is a 2021 American psychological thriller film directed by Joe Wright from a screenplay by Tracy Letts, based on the 2018 novel of the same name by pseudonymous author A. J. Finn.
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The film follows an agoraphobic woman (Amy Adams) who begins to spy on her new neighbors (Gary Oldman, Fred Hechinger, and Julianne Moore) and is witness to a crime in their apartment.
She previously survived a horrific experience.
Now she had to endure her crime thriller nightmare trapped in her apartment as well.
Trapped by whom?
By herself.
Would she eventually escape?
Yes, but there was no Calvary coming. She had to lead herself outdoors.
Mr. Charles Haskell Revson (October 11, 1906 – August 24, 1975) was an American businessman and philanthropist. He was best known as a pioneering cosmetics industry executive who created and managed Revlon through five decades.
He was once quoted as expressing, “If you can't change your fate, change your attitude.”
How profound.
Have you heard of the term Learned Helplessness?
Learned helplessness is behavior exhibited by a subject after enduring repeated aversive stimuli beyond their control.
It was initially thought to be caused from the subject's acceptance of their powerlessness: discontinuing attempts to escape or avoid the aversive stimulus, even when such alternatives are unambiguously presented.
Upon exhibiting such behavior, the subject was said to have acquired learned helplessness.
Over the past few decades, neuroscience has provided insight into learned helplessness and shown that the original theory actually had it backwards: the brain's default state is to assume that control is not present, and the presence of "helpfulness" is what is actually learned first.
The good news is that it can be unlearned.
We might be surprised how supposedly very capable people, like our associate above, appear to suffer from it. It is a real problem if you feel trapped by it.
Have we described a situation that you or someone you know feels trapped in?
There is help available.
Darlene Lancer is Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Santa Monica, California specializing in codependency, relationships, and addiction. She has a broad experience, working with individuals and couples for more than twenty-four years. Her focus is helping individuals to lead fuller lives and helping couples to enjoy enhanced communication and intimacy.
Her training includes psychoanalytic psychotherapy, family systems, cognitive-behavioral, dream analysis, gestalt, and hypnotherapy. She's also taught meditation and yoga and is familiar with spiritual challenges and crises.
Formerly an attorney for 18 years, she has taught Stress Management and is familiar with career challenges and transitions. Darlene has enabled people from all walks of life to successfully reach their personal and professional goals, including performers, professionals, and executives.
She has worked extensively in the field of addiction and codependency at numerous hospitals and treatment facilities. Helping substance abusers and their families find recovery has been a rewarding part of her practice. She's familiar with 12-Step Programs, but has a client-centered philosophy, encouraging each person to determine his or her own abstinence and treatment goals.
Other aspects of her bio are repeated in her article below.
Consultation by appointment. 310-458-0016
Learned Helplessness Is Not a Life Sentence
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We can feel hopeless and helpless when we experience chronic abuse or repeated obstacles. You might feel stuck in poverty or an unhappy relationship. You could or be dealing with your own or someone else's addiction that feels powerless to change.
You might be experiencing a debilitating health condition or repeated school, relationship, or work failures. It's easy to feel despair when you believe there's no exit from constant pain and unhappiness.
Frequently, there are solutions and steps we can take to change our circumstances and alleviate pain, but with a hopeless outlook and "learned helplessness," we don't seek or accept help and can sink into depression.
The Research
Learned helplessness was a term coined by Martin Seligman in the 60s to describe a mindset where you don't try to get out of a negative situation because in the past you learned that you were helpless. In Seligman's experiment, he rang a bell and then gave a dog a light shock to condition them to expect a shock after hearing the bell. He discovered that after a while when hearing the bell, the dogs reacted fearfully as though they'd been shocked, although they hadn't been.
Human behavior is similar. For example, if you were lied to or betrayed, you become distrustful. You might imagine you're being deceived in a new relationship when you're not. Then you might react to your thoughts, become angry, and falsely accuse your new partner or even breakup. We think of this as projecting our past experience onto other people and present situations.
Seligman went further and put these dogs in a crate that was divided so that the shock would only affect one side. The dogs could easily step over a low fence to the other side and avoid the shocks. However, the dogs did not! Instead, they gave up and lay down. Then he shocked different dogs in a divided crate who hadn't previously been conditioned with the bell and shock. These dogs quickly jumped to the other side of the fence to avoid the shock. This proved that the conditioned set of dogs had learned to be helpless. Another example of this is the practice of chaining young elephants to a post. As adults, they don't run away when the chains are removed.
Negative Attributions
How we interpret events matters. People attribute causation to internal and external factors. Research reveals that people who consistently make global internal attributions to negative events, meaning that they blame themselves regardless of the situation develop learned helplessness. When they believe they're always the problem, they lack the motivation to improve, to try again, or try new things. This negative self-talk reflects internalized shame and also perpetuates it. They found that we perform better just by believing we have control over negative stimuli, even if we don't exercise it.
Learned Helplessness and Abuse
Power imbalances typify abusive relationships. Abusers seek power and blame their behavior on other people. They undermine their partners' self-esteem with emotional abuse, such as belittling, withholding, and covert manipulation. When confronted, they often escalate or threaten greater abuse or become violent. The undermining of self-esteem and relentless abuse create learned helplessness in victims, who over time accommodate the abuser with compliance and avoidance to minimize abuse and feel safe. When at first they might have become angry and protested, eventually they realize that this tactic is usually counterproductive. They numb their feelings, become anxious and/or depressed, and may develop physical symptoms. As fear and shame grow, they don't believe they can leave and turn into a shell of their former self. This pattern is exacerbated by intermittent reinforcement where accommodation becomes an addictive behavioral pattern.
Learned Helplessness in Childhood
Many codependents develop learned helplessness in childhood. As young children we're actually dependent on our parents for survival, not only physically, but also emotionally. We quickly learn strategies to stay safe and minimize our parents' displeasure. When a parent is neglectful, emotionally absent, critical, controlling, or abusive, we not only feel insecure and develop feelings of inadequacy and shame, we feel powerless to be heard and make an impact. These parents communicate, "It's my way or the highway;" "I don't care," or "You're a burden."
A narcissistic mother or father, some other mentally ill parents or addicts ignore, shame, or control their children, sending the message that their feelings, needs, and wants are unimportant. Children's anger, distress, or protest might also be shamed or punished. They feel powerless, internalize their shame and rage, and often turn to drugs or addictive behaviors. Some children rebel, but that may lead to further repressive measures. They develop learned helplessness and negative internal attributions that follow them into adulthood. Sometimes, they experience independence in their late teens and early adulthood, but might marry someone who repeats their painful family drama. Before long, their learned helplessness returns.
This can also happen when a more powerful sibling abuses or repeatedly teases a weaker one. I recall being tickled by my older brother until I was breathless and in tears. This established a belief that I was helpless and later did not fight back when I could.
Other Consequences of Learned Helplessness
Learned helplessness creates a self-reinforcing negative feedback loop that can damage our health, job satisfaction, and our relationships. It can lead to unhealthy habits where we neglect our nutrition and regular exercise. We might not seek appropriate medical and dental care, get help for addiction or manage our finances.
Learned helplessness may affect people stuck in poverty or who experience unremitting prejudice. Beliefs can be handed down through generations, creating a cycle of passivity and poverty. Students who don't perform well in school attribute failure to their own inadequacy. Their confidence and self-esteem suffer. They don't believe they can do better and expect to fail. They stop trying and often drop out. Similarly learned helplessness and associated shame restrain us from excelling professionally and increasing our earning potential. It leads to depression and ill-health. In fact, research shows that a pessimistic outlook can negatively affect inflammation, our immune systems, and risk heart health.
Overcoming Learned Helplessness
The good news is that this condition is not a life sentence. Low self-esteem is learned and so is healthy self-esteem. Our brains are malleable, but it requires therapy to challenge negative internal attributions and cognitive distortions. Change requires therapy that addresses our thinking and beliefs. Cognitive-behavioral therapy is effective in overcoming shame and altering our brain and attitudes. A therapist also supports us in risk-taking new actions that modify our negative preconceptions. As our self-esteem and confidence grow, we become self-empowered-self-esteem in action. Pent-up energy is unleashed. We develop a positive feedback loop, where we expect positive outcomes and then experience them. When we don't, we refrain from self-shaming. We consider make external attributions and change what we can.
You can begin progress on your own by overcoming perfectionism, which can feed shame and negative feedback loops) self-criticism, and self-blame, and shame, and reading.
©DarleneLancer 2021
Darlene Lancer is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, expert in relationships, codependency, addiction and author of Codependency for Dummies and Conquering Shame and Codependency: 8 Steps to Freeing the True You. She has a broad range of experience, working with individuals and couples for 30years. She is an author and frequent speaker. She maintains private practice in Santa Monica, CA and coaches internationally.
For more information, webinars, and talks, see http://www.whatiscodependency.com to receive a FREE Report, "14 Tips for Letting Go," and find links to her books and eBooks, How to Speak Your Mind- Become Assertive and Set Limits, 10 Steps to Self-Esteem: The Ultimate Guide to Stop Self-Criticism, Dealing with a Narcissist: 8 Steps to Raise Self-Esteem and Set Boundaries with Difficult People, Spiritual Transformation in the Twelve Steps, Freedom from Guilt and Blame - Finding Self-Forgiveness, "I´m Not Perfect-I´m Only Human"- How to Beat Perfectionism, and Codependency Daily Reflections.
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Article Source: https://EzineArticles.com/expert/Darlene_Lancer/563438
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/10456000
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Revson
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kontroll
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Woman_in_the_Window_(2021_film)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Learned_helplessness
